Thursday, April 25, 2013

Celebrate Your True Beauty ~ Link Up

Linking up with some ladies today
 because its easier than writing a post I've had in my head for days but am too lazy to finish 
I'm seriously horrible at this blogging business.
Three things about myself I think are beautiful or awesome 

  1. My hair ~ WHEN I actually blow dry it and curl the ends. It really is beautiful. Long, thick, shiny, healthy hair. That's probably the thing I get complimented on the most.
  2. I'm a pretty damned good wife ~ If I was a man, I'd wife me :)
  3. If I had to be completely honest ~ I think I am beautiful. I am not saying I have a great body. But when I put on make-up and do my hair, and look in the mirror. I pretty fucking please with what I see.
That being said. I am not photogenic... like at all. EVER. I don't do selfies (except for transformation purposes) and since I am the photo taker in my family there are not that many photos of me. Though lately, as my kids are growing, I have been taking more selfies of me with one or both of my kids. I want to be able to look back and have pictures of us together. 

Friday, April 19, 2013

Aledo Ride for Heroes

This is what I am doing tomorrow.
My dad started riding bikes about a year ago to lose weight. Once he was down to a normal size, he started to enjoy bike riding, and really getting into the sport of it. Last summer, I rode with him some. I really enjoy riding bikes outside when it is beautiful. In January when I set out to lose weight, I decided to start riding with Dad again, once a week on Saturdays.
Dad eventually graduated from a hybrid road/mountain bike to a really nice (Moots) road bike. Once he had a taste of the road bike, he decided I needed one too, so he bought me a road bike. Once we both had road bikes, he decided we were ready to start training for some long distance bike rides.
He had bigger plans than I did. Ultimately he wanted to ride the last leg a the PBP 900 bike ride in France, in 2015. He also wanted to ride the RAGBRAI, a six day ride across the state of Iowa. We literally were talking about doing this the day before he died. We had decided we'd wait until next year so we could build up to riding 50-80 miles a day. Thanks for fucking that up pops ;)
There were four smaller long distance bike rides we were talking about doing this summer together.
We only registered for the Aledo Ride for Heroes before he died... less than one month before the ride. So naturally I still felt like I had to do the ride. Luckily my brother Jared can ride with me. We are doing the 64 mile ride and praying for beautiful weather, no wind, and a nice tan :) This broke girl can't afford the tanning bed and I don't want to be pasty white in 55 days when I go to Destin, thankyouverymuch!
Dad, Mom & Jared
I went ahead and signed up for the Possum Pedal. My family loves going out to Possum Kingdom lake and I figured we could go camp out, I could do the ride, then we could rent a boat and have some fun on the lake.
I'm still up in the air about whether to sign up for the last two rides. Jared doesn't mind riding, but I know he's hella busy and it doesn't really fit in his schedule. And as much as I enjoy riding, its not the same without my dad there. In fact it's really fucking boring by myself.
Anybody in the DFW area wanna come ride some rides with me??? Its really cheap! 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Finish the Sentence

1. I laughed so hard I cried when... I cry anytime I laugh just a little hard, so there are really too many times to count, or remember for that matter.
2. My high school... was there, but I wasn't. I went for probably a total of 1/2 a year. Otherwise I was at juvenile alternative education camp where we literally ran miles, did push ups, wore gray t-shirts and sweats and ate bologna sandwiches daily. We did get to go home every day though so that was a plus. I skipped most of my sophomore year and then my mom just withdrew me all together. I ended up getting a GED :)
3. It really pisses me off... when I get charged a $35 over the limit fee on my checking account.
4. In ten years... I'll be 37, live in a nicer house, have less debt and more money.
5. If I could erase one thing... I would bring my dad back :)
6. In 1999...  Who remembers that long ago? Maybe the year I got my first cell phone.
7. Honestly... I don't remember that long ago!
8. To me, Sushi... is the! I love it! But damn it doesn't fit my broke girl budget.
9. Someone really needs to invent... nothing comes to mind :(

10. The first time I drank alcohol... I was a teenager, and it was off wine coolers and I had a massive headache the next morning while my brothers and I were helping my mom's boss move... so I slept on the couch in the moving van most of the time.
11. The one question I would ask God is... Why? that would be my question.
12. Lindsay Lohan... probably still has more money than I do. Damn

Welcome Back

I set out on January 1st to lose 43lbs before my family vacation to a Florida beach in June. I was 16lbs down and doing great! I felt good, had a ton of energy, was eating perfect and training for four long distance bike rides during the summer. When I look back now, I'd say my life was pretty perfect.

My dad and I

Then on sunday, March 24th, I got the call that I never really thought would ever come. My brother called me and told me my dad died in his sleep... At 58. "What? You're kidding right? Are you laughing? It really sounds like you're laughing" (mental note: hysterical crying can be mistaken for hysterical laughing)

My dad, who I just saw yesterday. Who I went on a bike ride with yesterday. Who I talked to yesterday, hugged and kissed and just fucking saw yesterday, is dead.
This is the last photo taken of dad, about 10 hours before he died. On our last bike ride together.

Let me just say, this is the first person I've ever lost and it fucking sucks. More than anything else in the world. You will be two people in your lifetime. The person you are before you lose someone, and the person you become after you've lost one of the closest people in your life. At least that's how I see it right now. Dear God, this fucking sucks. Part of me wants to die too.

I was planning on writing a post about my dad's incredible (Read:190lbs lost in 10 months) weight loss, and the old man went and fucking died on me before I could. We had so many plans together and he's fucking dead. It is very surreal to me still. It's been almost a month, and I still don't feel like doing anything, living, being a mom, anything.

 Sadly, it helps a lot not to think about him. When I do think of him, I either want to cry or just end up crying anyways. But thinking of him is all I have left, so I find myself really trying to think of him. Trying to remember situations we were in together and trying to remember exactly what we were saying. Trying to burn those memories into my brain so I can have more of him.

I feel like he's just gone on a business trip or something. I feel like he's going to be coming back soon. Even though I saw him in the casket. Even though I went to the funeral home to braid his hair one last time and I saw him laying there on the cold, metal table. I don't feel like he's really gone.

I saw my dad probably 5-6 times a week. I rode bikes with my dad 3-4 times a week. I went shopping with my dad, the whole family would often go to dinner together. He came to my son's baseball practice and games. He watched Austin anytime he was home sick, or didn't have school. It's not like I lost an old, ill, parent who lived in another state. I lost my daddy. Who was losing weight so he could be here for us longer. My kids lost their papa. I just don't get it. There is a huge piece of me gone, and my life will never be the same.